Guest Post: Matt

Matt and I bet on Panda's poop schedule, and Matt lost. As punishment, he had to write a guest post.

Mugshot's Eiffel Tower Tips (re: Eiffel Tower Tips)

After reading Louis's cynical post about the Eiffel Tower experience, and as their last houseguest for a while (I hear they're not hosting anyone for some time — maybe even a week), I just had to offer a rebuttal based on first-hand experience. Get ready to take out your Paris scorecard and put about 50 checks in the "resident" box.

1. Steal a map from the apartment. If you stay with Louis and Maggie, note that they have several beautiful maps of Paris. Make sure it's rainy outside. Find the key to the living room cabinets, which is hidden in a Grand Theft Auto computer game box under their bed. Open the cabinet and take the most expensive-looking map you can find there. Down the half-bottle of Bordeaux they were saving for a special occasion. In your excitement, forget to lock their apartment door, and start your adventure toward the Eiffel Tower. (You will also need a bullhorn and around 10 Euros.)

2. Walk four hours in the rain in the general direction of the Eiffel Tower. I love walking, and there's nothing I like better than walking when my socks are extremely wet because of rain and puddles. If you pass all the sites marked on the map below, you will clearly be following the best route to the Eiffel Tower, which is important during bad weather. If you get lost, that's OK. Since it's very cloudy, you won't be able to see the Eiffel Tower and just go toward it. But you can consult your stolen map and watch as it disintegrates in the pouring rain, and then you can try to stumble toward the next waypoint on the map below.

3. Tell as many tourists as you can that the Eiffel Tower is closed. There won't be many out there since it's raining. But as Louis pointed out, people at tourists sites are to be avoided if you want a good experience. Therefore, in your best English, yell at anyone you encounter on your walk that they can't go up the Eiffel Tower during inclement weather, so they should really leave the area. (This includes people who you think might not be tourists — you never know.)

4. Spend some of your Euros on a ticket to go up the Eiffel Tower. This is a crucial step, as Louis also pointed out, because without a ticket to something like the Eiffel Tower, it is difficult if not impossible to go up it. The best way to get a ticket is to say to the ticket person, "Je aller Eiffel Tower," and then point up. This is an example of very good French, so he or she will know what you mean. You should definitely walk up, because nothing feels better than ascending 600 steps to the second floor after you've already walked 20 miles. When you get to the first floor, make a beeline for the gift shop and spend the rest of your Euros on a jambon crudité — you will need it in a minute.

5. Create a diversion. Most of the members of the Eiffel Tower staff are focusing on the elevators. I don't know why this is. But anyway, when you get to the second floor, you'll see that there are lots of barriers blocking access to the third-floor sairwell, as well as signs saying things like "accés interdit" (I don't know what this means!). But if you create a diversion by throwing that jambon crudité down the elevator shaft, you can easily go up the remaining steps to the third floor. When you reach the third floor, take out the bullhorn and declare to all of Paris that you fooled the city and that you can go up the Eiffel Tower in inclement weather. Then, enjoy the crystal clear view of the stunning iron latticework and of your hands. And oh, yeah, sure, that is definitely the Sacre-Coeur whose outline you're seeing in the distance.

In conclusion, I hope you enjoyed reading these Eiffel Tower Tips. I am confident that if you follow these simple steps, you will certainly make a trip to the Eiffel Tower. And probably to the Eiffel Tower Jail.